Choose Your BE, Not Just Your DO

Choose Your BE, Not Just Your DO

On Monday, Marc and I went to James Middle School to hear Chick Moorman speak about 10 parenting commitments we should make.  The material Chick covered wasn’t anything new or groundbreaking, but they were all good points and it doesn’t hurt to hear a reminder now and then to make sure you are still on the right track.  At the end of this entry, I will list his points (paraphrasing) and if there is something that you’d like to hear more about, then comment and I’ll expound on that one next time.

One point that the speaker brought up stayed with me and has had  me thinking about it over and over again.  His comment, “We need to spend more time planning our BE … not just our DO.”

Up until that point in the talk, my mind had been wandering… you know how it is, shopping lists, mental check list of things to get ready for the rest of the week, random thoughts about silly stuff you read or heard earlier on Facebook, observations about the other people sitting in the audience with you…. but once he made that statement, my mind zeroed in a bit and began to really ponder how often do I plan my be in addition to planning out my do?

The honest answer would have to be almost never.  And the almost never instead of an outright never is only because now and again I’ve said to myself that I will “begrudgingly go and at least pretend to have a good time.”  That counts, right?

I like having a plan of action for just about everything I do.  It’s not to say I cannot wing it, because I can, but even then, I have a general idea of what’s gonna happen and when.  Depending on the task at hand, I might even write out the “do” list.  And as women, there are a lot of people we tend to be responsible for so that means making their “do” list, too.

But now I’d been introduced to a new concept… plan out my “be”… this meant giving conscience thought to my attitude and mental state prior to beginning my action steps.  Deciding what my attitude will be ahead of time puts me in the driver’s seat and often times has a direct effect on what my actions are going to be.  Being able to visualize how I will be AND what I will do is a great tool and one that up until now, I’d only been half way using.

How about you?  How often are you purposefully choosing your be and not just what you’ll do?

Ok… here’s the paraphrased version of Chick Moorman’s points from his topic The 10 Commitments (and I want to say that these 10 commitments are great for any relationship you have – work place, home, social settings, etc):

  1. Experience can be messy.  Allow children to learn from making messes AND from the clean up that follows.
  2. Culture an attitude of accountability in the family.  We all need to be accountable for our choices, and children need to be taught this with gentleness and love.  Be consistent and allow them to experience the consequences (good and bad) that flow naturally from their actions.
  3. Suspend judgement.  Mistakes need to be seen as learning experiences.  Parents should perceive their children’s choices as appropriate or as opportunities for learning and growth…not right and wrong.
  4. Manage your mind first.  Realize that how you approach a situation affects the outcome and that you alone control your approach.
  5. Search for solutions.  Fixing the problem is more important than assigning blame.
  6. Speak self-responsible language.  Be aware that your language patterns will reflect your belief in autonomy, personal responsibility, and ownership of one’s actions and feelings.
  7. Help children develop their inner authority.  One’s inner authority is the only authority that we all take with us no matter where we go.  As parents we need to strive to  make ourselves dispensable (over time) and assist them in becoming increasingly in charge of themselves.
  8. Model the message.  Attitudes are more easily caught than taught.  Children often pay more attention to what we do than what we say.  Become the message you want to deliver to your children and others.
  9. See my child as a teacher.  Children are in our lives as much so that we can learn from them as they are so that they can learn from us.
  10. Create a sense of oneness.  Be present.  Develop roots.  Encourage feelings of belonging.
Jessica

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2 Responses to “Choose Your BE, Not Just Your DO”
  1. Jacki Q says:

    Wow – never thought about planning my “be”! Makes so much sense and certainly could help in many ways. Thank you also for sharing Chick Moorman’s 10 Commitments. I was not able to go and appreciate your recap. Thanks, Jessica!!

    [Reply]

    Jessica Benzakein Reply:

    Hey Jacki! Good to see your comment! I have to say that in the past, I sort of subscribed to the “just do it and the attitude will sort of come around” mentality. I mean, how many Hearts at Home talks have we gone to where the speaker has said that even if you don’t feel like having sex, you should go ahead and try because once you get involved, you’ll suddenly become into it? Well, I figured if that could work for my husband and I, then it could work for other situations…

    But what I’m discovering is that if I just “resign” my self to something, it’s just a mental commitment (barely even qualifying as half-hearted) but if I really sit and think about my attitude and the possibile outcomes, I seem to get both my mental and emotional lined up and things just go more smoothly.

    I’ve been trying to practice this new choosing my be and not just my do a lot this past week. I think I see improvement but boy is it easy to just slip back into focusing on the do that is required and forgetting to prep my be… I need a huge sign that reads, “Caution! Work in Progress!!”

    [Reply]

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