Vacation is what you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer. – Lion from Wizard of Oz

Time to hang up the Wii remote and put away Super Mario Galaxy 2.  Life starts up again tomorrow.  Eli is back to school.  Marc will be back to the warehouse.  And Brenna and I will resume our weekly juggling of her naps and my availability to take merchant calls.  Add to that dogs who are tired of being cooped up in the house, cats who are constantly seeking out any sunbeam and/or warm spot to claim as their own.  And lets not forget the bills that need to be paid, property taxes that are due, and other financial issues that seem to loom over most every decision we make.

In other words, it’s a return to stress - the every day kind and the not so every day kind.

Often my first reaction to a stressful situation is to overcompensate and overwork to overcome whatever it is.  I am a big  believer in formulating a plan and then working head-down-nose-to-the-grind-stone diligently towards the end goal.  Call it the control freak in me (not out loud, that would be rude), but I find comfort in knowing “the plan” and being able to see clear progress as steps are checked off along the way.  However, there are times when the plan doesn’t seem to be coming together.  Progress can seem slow or even feel as if it’s sliding even further downhill.  When that happens, I tend to hunker down even more.  I withdraw.  I become distant, distracted, and obsessed with finding the solution.  I can become short tempered, resentful of others who appear to be taking things less seriously than I think they should.  I become a grouch (or some other word that ends in ch).

Sometimes though, the best thing I can do is step away, take a breath, and come back to tackle the problem with a clear head. And this weekend (really, the last 2 weeks), I did just that.  I stifled the urge to focus on making lists of steps that needed to be accomplished right this very minute (at least according to my plan) and tried to just breathe.  I thought this would be especially hard since it was also New Year’s weekend.  In years past, I would have been in a serious slump looking at all the things that needed to be done.  I would have then turned drill sergeant-ish and began to bark orders to all those within earshot in an attempt to get us back on track.  And I would have told those same people and myself that I was doing this because I loved each of them and that we had to keep our eyes on our (my self proclaimed) family motto of working now so we can play later.

Replacing important things in your life with work only causes anxiety to build up–not to mention that it takes the joy out of life.  Contrary to my self proclaimed family motto, sometimes in order to get the work done, one has to take some time and play now.

This holiday season has really been like a vacation – or a staycation – for me.  Vacation does not have to mean physically leaving your everyday life and jet setting to the beach. Whatever relaxes you, brings more clarity, or calms your mind during times of stress can certainly be enough to rejuvenate! When logic tells me to quicken my pace and pile on the extra work, yet my heart is reminding me of the meaningful time I am neglecting with family, friends, and myself, it’s time to slow down.

That brings me back to Mario Super Galaxy 2.  If you haven’t played it, it’s a 2 player (3 player the way we play it) Wii game that requires you to work as a team to solve puzzles in order to advance.  I remember being very, very bad at the Nintendo 64 Mario Bros games, but I love this one.  I loved the time we spent working as a team… hearing my son say, “ahh drats!  Don’t worry, we can try again.”  I loved feeling like even though it was “just a game”, somehow we had joined forces and become a super team.  We were unstoppable.  And we managed to laugh a lot.

So, like I said, tomorrow life starts up again, and tonight I will probably lay in bed making lists, but right now, I am relaxed and feeling very connected to my family.  And that’s the first step to solving pretty much all our problems!

What relaxes you, brings more clarity, or calms your mind during times of stress?

Downshifting Sometimes IS the Solution is a post from: Deliberate Legacies

Let He Who Is Perfect Cast The First Stone is a post from: Deliberate Legacies

Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold. – Maurice Selter

We love food in the Benzakein household.  Eli will often come and ask me what healthy food he can eat in order to have the junk food that he really wants.  There have been times that I’ve made his favorite foods including his favorite dessert, and he would tell me he suddenly didn’t like what I knew was his favorite foods or that he was full after 3 bites but could he still have dessert?  Can’t say I blame him?  I’ve been known to rush through some darn tasty meals because I was in a hurry to get to the yummy dessert.

As the one who ususally prepares the meals, I’ve even been complimented before with the following:  “This is great, but what’s for dessert?”  (As I’ve said before, a compliment is NOT a compliment if it contains a “but”.)

How many times are we blind to the good in front of us because we’re looking past it for something better? It’s like having that really great meal but not really tasting any of it because you’re dying to get to that really good dessert.

How often do we really take the time to appreciate the good things in life… the things right in front of us or around us right now?

Take a second look at your goals.  Are they building on the good already in your life?  Are you taking full advantage of the strengths you already have? Is it worth giving up what you have for what you might have? In many cases, the answer is yes. To that I whole-heartedly say “Go for it!”  Those are the meaningful goals.

If the answer is no, try reworking your goals to include ones that complement your present life rather than substitute for it. Whatever the answer is for you, we could all use a little more appreciation for the pieces of silver in our lives.

This Is Great, But… is a post from: Deliberate Legacies

During difficult times in life, who has supported you, or have you supported?

[I tried to write this blog entry last night, but my 4 month old daughter, Brenna, had other ideas – namely that she would stay up way, way past her bedtime and then only sleep so long as I held her and nursed.  I explained to her that it was Women of Faith WEDNESDAY which meant that the topic came out on Wednesday, and it would be nice if my blog entry also appeared on Wednesday.  Oddly, enough, that conversation was the only thing that brought a smile to her face.  Pretty sure she is going to grow up to be the speed bump/detour in my well planned out life map.  Thank you all for understanding!]

“Family life is full of major and minor crises – the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce — and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It’s difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul.” -Thomas Moore

“Suck it up!”  That’s probably what my family is going to elect to have engraved on my tombstone one day.  It’s  not that I am uncaring – my son skins his knee and I am there kissing it… a friend

Marc, Jessica, Eli & Brenna Benzakein

needs a shoulder to cry on, and you betcha even if I was wearing a silk blouse, I’d be there… the coffee commercial where the son gets home early and tells the little girl to shhh while he makes coffee for everyone to wake up to, yep, cry like a baby and I don’t even like coffee.  But if my son skins his knee and then spends 20 minutes wailing on and on about it, it darn well better be broken (not that I want it to be broken, but I am sure you other moms out there know what I mean).  Friend needs a shoulder to cry on about the same old problem over and over again but all she seems to do is cry (not take any actions to better the situation), and you better believe I become less like a Kleenex and more like a drill sergeant.  Coffee commercial still makes me cry, what can I say?

As someone who subscribes heavily to the “suck it up” mentality, learning to let others support me has not come naturally.  There are a whole host of reasons why, but the bottom line is that I’ve never been comfortable relying on others…and that includes God.

God, believe it or not, gets all my issues.  He understands where I came from, what I’ve been through, and why I am the way I am.  He knows that I am trying to work on my issues, am trying to trust more and doubt less, trying to be less critical and more encouraging, trying to be less like me and more like Him.  God also gets that subtlety is usually lost on me.  I am of the opinion that it’s rather a shame that He doesn’t use more burning bushes now-a-days to communicate with us.  I NEED a burning bush.  I need a whale to swallow me up.  Of course, God is old (no really, He is… been around F O R E V E R!), and He sometimes overlooks my inability to take a hint… ok He probably doesn’t forget (that whole omnipotent thing, duh!), but He certainly gives me more credit than I deserve because clearly He thinks that if He keeps sending hints, that one day I’ll catch on before the big huge snowball plows me over.  God also, clearly, has the patience of a saint (ha! yes, I know, but I couldn’t resist) and rather than let me muck through my time here on earth missing the signs, feeling around in the dark, and in general making one HUGE mess of things, He has sent me real-life-can-reach-out-and-touch-them angels who support me, love me, encourage me, and question me.  The greatest of these angels is my husband, Marc, followed very closely by my two children, Eli and Brenna.

Benzakein Family

Life right now is difficult… not as difficult as it’s been in the past, but more difficult than it’s been in a long while.  I don’t have the answers.  I don’t even have what I feel is a good plan to navigate through all this crap opportunity for growth ulcer-causing-caffiene-requiring-better-hope-I-look-good-with-grey-hair stuff.  And while I pray a lot, God knows me best and through my husband’s corny jokes, my son’s wacky antics, and my daughter’s sweet smile, reaches out to me daily and lets me know that it IS going to be ok… just focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself.

I hope that if my friends were polled, they’d say that they, too, feel as if God softly and gently “hugs” them through me.  And if they did, I’d be sure to point out that THAT’S the reason I eat all this chocolate!  Of course, sometimes God needs to give us a bit of tough lovin’ so remember that next time I go all drill sergeant on you!

“Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.” Matthew 6:34

We Are Family is a post from: Deliberate Legacies

Whatever is flexible and flowing will tend to grow; whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die. – Tao Te Chang, Lao Tsu’s teachings

In my teens, I was quite into country music.  I’d listen and sing along for hours after school.. practicing for the day when I’d get to be Wynona Judd’s backup singer.  I even auditioned to be a DJ on our local AM station, KCYL 1450 AM.  Sadly enough, I’ve only once been in the same place as Wynona – and that was a at a prison rodeo when they were still The Judds, and KCYL didn’t think I had what it took to read the weather and local news in between songs.

I’m not bitter.  I’ve moved on.  (Call me Wy!)

Anyways, back then one of the songs that got a lot of play time was Strong Enough To Bend by Tanya Tucker.  Years later, I can still remember the lyrics (although I did look them up just to make sure I had them correct… which I did…)

There’s a tree out in the backyard
That never has been broken by the wind
And the reason it’s still standing
It was strong enough to bend

For years, we have stayed together
As lovers and as friends
What we have will last forever
If we’re strong enough to bend

When you say something that you can’t take back
Big wind blows and you hear a little crack
When you say “Hey well I might be wrong”
You can sway with the wind till the storm is gone

Like a tree out in the backyard
That never has been broken by the wind
Our love will last forever
If we’re strong enough to bend

When you start thinkin’ that you know it all
Big wind blows and a branch will fall
When you say “Hey this job takes two”
We can sway with the wind till the sky turns blue
Sway with the wind till the skies turn blue

(Yes, I sang along while I typed out those lyrics…. CALL ME WY!… but if you’d like to hear the song, you can listen to it here.)

For better or worse, this song has stuck in my head.  And while I don’t always heed it’s sound advice (been a few cracks lately even), I do find the lyrics coming back to me not just in my marriage but in many situations where I find that change is required.  (No, I don’t ALWAYS get my way, though it’s not from lack of trying.)  It is not always easy to bend especially since today’s critics often conclude that bending is a sign of weakness – as if bending equates to caving in.

Change is the natural order of the world. When something tries to stand against the force of change, it’s eventually destroyed. Cliffs are eroded, trees are uprooted, granite cracks. People can crack too. For us to grow and live–to flourish–it takes adaptation and learning. Stubborn attachment to a single set of “knowledge” or way of doing things (even something as silly as how to fold the towels – not that we’ve ever argued over that…nope, not once…) leads to stagnation of the mind and spirit. Remember to keep an open mind to new people and new ideas. Challenge yourself to always be learning something new. Focus on the possibilities of a fresh start, instead of hanging on to old frustrations.

And in case the tree symbolism didn’t do it for you:  Sails are made with cloth for a reason. When they’re stiff, winds beat against them until they tear. But if the sails are relaxed and workable, the wind can take you to places you’ve never been before.

Bend or Break? is a post from: Deliberate Legacies

Summer officially began June 21.  Tell us the story of a favorite summertime memory!

Growing up, we didn’t take family vacations.  We didn’t share family meals.  We weren’t reminded to brush our teeth before bed or prompted to say our prayers.  We walked on eggshells… a lot.  Keep quiet and out of site – that was our motto, our creed, our slim hope of getting through the day without being yelled at or beaten or worse.

Summertime was our “big escape”.  No school for my brother meant fewer trips up to the nursing home where my mother worked to help out where I was needed.  The moment the sun came up, my brother and I were out the door, and we didn’t come back until long after the sun had gone down.  Most of the summers of my youth just blend together – nothing out of the ordinary for our already out of the ordinary young lives… most of them, but not all…

I cannot tell you how old we were, my brother and I, the summer my mom informed us that we were going to go stay with my grandparents.   My grandparents lived right across the street from my great-grandparents, so it was sure to be a summer filled with old people and whatever it was that old people did.

One of the things those “old people” did was garden.  When we arrived, we were told not to chase the frogs that were in and around the yard, the gardens, and the flower beds.  Frogs, we were told, were good to have around because they ate bugs… lots and lots of bugs.

After a particularly hard rain, my brother and I ventured out to the park behind my grandparent’s trailer.  To our amazement, beneath the slide was a HUGE puddle, and in that puddle was hundreds of tadpoles (ok, we didn’t really count them but it sure seemed like hundreds).  Yes, tadpoles… baby frogs.  Frogs eat bugs, remember, and were therefore good.  My brother and I were about to make my grandparents SUPER happy and rid their gardens and flower beds of bugs F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!

Our only concern was where to keep the tadpoles until they grew into frogs.  That puddle wasn’t going to last long in the Texas-triple-digits-summer temps.  Light bulb moment!!  Another thing these “old people” did was fish…so much fishing, in fact, that they had their own minnow tank.  (For those of you not familiar with a minnow tank, think large, metal wash tub about 4 feet long and 3 feet deep.)

After what seemed like endless trips back and forth from the slide to the minnow tank and back again, we got all the tadpoles transferred over.  As the days went by, we heard Pappaw mention to Mammaw several times that the minnow tank didn’t seem to have as many minnows in it as it should.  Not wanting to spoil the surprise, my brother and I would just giggle and run off to see if we could see any new frogs jumping around.

Then it happened!  FROGS!  Honestly it was like how I imagined the plague mentioned in the Bible to be.  One could hardly walk without stepping on a frog.  Their little dog was in heaven chasing them around.  When we saw Mammaw that day, we were beaming – 100 watts!  “Surprise!  Now you won’t have any pesky bugs!!”  We proceeded to tell the entire story of our painstaking efforts.  Mammaw was not as happy as we had thought she’d be.   Thus, we spent the next few weeks across the street with our great-grandparents.

Our great-grand parents were as different from each other as night and day.  My great-grandfather, Truitt, was fun, caring, and a great story teller.  My great-grandmother, Virginia, was controlling, no-nonsense, and, well, not all that grandmotherly.

As I mentioned before, summertime in southern Texas means months of triple digit temperatures.  It was during the summer months that my grandmother slept outside on the screened in porch.  Grandpa preferred the total darkness of his back room bedroom.  My brother and I took turns sleeping with each great-grandparent.  On the nights that I slept with Grandpa, he would tell me stories – large, wondrous, imaginative stories.  I loved those stories and would drift off some time during each one and dream of far-away places and grand adventures.

Then there were nights with Grandma… Grandma had one thing on her bedside table – a clock radio (and I am talking about the old clock radio where the numbers flipped over one by one.)  Grandma liked to listen to a station that played late night murder mysteries and other spine thrilling radio programs.  “Liked to listen to” might be a stretch.  Grandma fell asleep quickly without much chit chat, but I would lay there and listen to the programs and watch as the numbers flipped by slowly.  The shows scared the daylights out of me with their creaking doors and clop clop of shoes, and yet, I couldn’t NOT listen.  The next morning, Grandma always complained that I gritted my teeth (something Grandpa never mentioned).  I am sure it was those radio programs!

That summer was magical in that it was probably THE must uneventful summer of our youth.  I remember laying in the grass (after the frogs had hopped to other yards), watching the fireflies, and just smiling for no real reason at all.

Tadpoles, Mystery Radio, and Fireflies = Magic! is a post from: Deliberate Legacies

The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.
–William James, philosopher and psychologist

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”  It’s a question we’ve all been asked at least a time or two… often as children, sometimes as young people working our way towards adulthood, and occasionally, for some of us, as adults who suddenly realize that what we do as a career and who we are as people aren’t always one in the same.

I can remember being asked this question a lot by various well meaning people.  Over the years my immediate answer has changed… veternarian, lawyer, child advocate, teacher, public speaker… but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that the question asked is actually deeper than it appears and doesn’t necessarily have just one answer.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

-  I want to be wiser than I was when I was a child but still amazed at the wonders of the world both big and small.
-  I want to be a positive contributer to the world around me.
-  I want to be a reminder to others that life really is what we choose to make of it.
-  I want to be that small voice in my children’s head and heart that tells them that their potiential is only limited by their own dreams and desires.
-  I want to be alive, not one of the walking dead I see so often merely going through the motions.
-  I want to be a loving wife to my husband, an adoring mom to my children, and a good friend to those around me.

I guess what it boils down to is that I want to live a meaningful life.  And, oddly enough, I’ve come to understand that a meaningful life doesn’t really happen by accident.  Fyodor Dostoyevsky once said, “Without some goal and some effort to reach it, no one can live.”  Having spent a considerable amount of time goalless and effortless, I tend to agree with Dostoyevsky.  It wasn’t until I focused on a goal AND put forth the effort needed to reach it, did I start to feel as if I was living… as if my life had purpose.  Right now, I have a goal (ok, I have many goals), and I try to keep my eyes on that goal even though my present circumstances have me feeling as if the ground I am walking on is crumbling beneath me with each step.  I have to either move faster or find another route, and sometimes, I just have to step off the edge and trust that God will provide the path even when I cannot see it with my own eyes.

Life is meaningless only if we allow it to be.  Each of us has the power to give life meaning, to make our time and our bodies and our words into instruments of love and hope.  – Tom Head

What about you?  Are you looking for meaning?  Having trouble figuring out how to make a difference?  The answer may be closer and simpler than you think.  Ask yourself:  If I were gone tomorrow, what will I be most proud of having left behind?  The answer will be different for each of us.  Your answer can be as involved as a foundation you helped start, or as simple as a favorite picture that you took.  Something will be here when you’re gone.  What would you like it to be?  What one thing would tell the world what you were all about?  Maybe it’s the traditions you are creating for/with your child(ren).  Maybe it’s a journal you are leaving for future generations.  Maybe it’s your garden.  Maybe it’s a combination of things.  Maybe you’re already working on something that could turn into one of your greatest accomplishments.  Whatever it is, give it your all.  The more of yourself that goes into it now, the more people will be able to see you in it later on.

Living a Meaningful Life is a post from: Deliberate Legacies

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-Abraham Lincoln

I once had a conversation with a friend of mine who said to me, “With all that you’ve seen and experienced, how is it that you are such a happy person?”  My response, “I choose to be.”  For some people out there, happiness just is.  It’s hard-coded in their DNA.  The sun is always shining for them and if there does happen to be a cloud or two in the sky, it’s most certainly a silver-lined cloud.  And then there is the rest of us… we have to choose happiness each and every day because it just doesn’t come naturally to us.

Like all good habits, there are tricks to help you keep making that daily choice to be happy, and like all good habits, if you keep at it long enough,  you’ll find that what used to feel unnatural now seems a bit more familiar.

1. Don’t Believe Everything You Think
According to medical experts, we have on average 60,000 thoughts per second during every waking hour. Of those 60,000 thoughts, 95% are the same thoughts we had yesterday, and the day before that. What’s worse is that for the average person, the vast majority of those thoughts are negative. Even worse – most of those thoughts simply are not true.

From my own life: In high school, I did Lincoln Douglas Debate. I was good. I won often. However, each time I won I was truly shocked. I just couldn’t understand… if they knew all about me, there would be no way that the judge would vote for me. This was particularly true one time when I was arguing the pro stance on a topic. (For those that have not seen LD debate, topics are decided by the committee at the start of the year. You must come up with a for (pro) and against (con) stance. Before each round, you flip to see which side you will be arguing.) Every time I spoke, the judge frowned. The more I talked the bigger the frown. Twice I stopped talking and almost just went and sat down. After all, it was clear that he did not care for one word I was saying. During my closing speech, he simply put down his pen and crossed his arms. Great, I thought. Why do I even bother? I did not even deserve to be there with all those students who were way better than me.

After the round was over, I waited to collect my critique sheet from the judge. I knew it wasn’t going to be good, so I braced myself. Then I read my sheet. Nothing but praise. While he was there to judge us on our speaking points, style, presentation, etc., he said that going into it, he thought to himself how could a pro argument win for this particular topic? He personally believed in the con side. But he listened to my points, found them to have merit, and what is better is that I spoke with such conviction that he felt compelled to give my argument a chance.

What??? Why the frowning then? Well, perhaps he was struggling with the thought of liking me and allowing my points the time of day, but the point is that it was his issue to deal with, not mine. And there I had been, ready to throw in the towel and had all but convinced myself that I was stupid for having even tried. Don’t believe everything you think because sometimes the thoughts you have are not based on fact.

2. Notice the Happy Things in Your Life No Matter How Small
One evening a Cherokee elder told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside people’s heads. He said, “My son, the battle is between the two ‘wolves’ that live inside us all. One is Unhappiness. It is fear, worry, anger, jealousy, sorrow, self-pity, resentment, and inferiority. The other is Happiness. It is joy, love, hope, serenity, kindness, generosity, truth and compassion.

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Because of our negativity bias (we tend to believe the negative over the positive), we often feed the wrong wolf. We need to even up the score. Make a point of noticing everything good that happens to you: any positive thought you have, anything you see, feel, taste, hear or smell that brings you happiness. This intention activates the reticular activating system (RAS), a group of cells at the base of the brain stem that’s responsible for turning on your memory system and allowing it to bring anything important to your attention. Have you ever bought a new car and then suddenly started noticing the same make of car everywhere? It’s RAS at work. Now you can purposefully use it to be happier.

3. Choose the Happier Thought
The next time you’re faced with a challenging situation that gives rise to negative thoughts and bad feelings, find an equally true thought about the situation that makes you feel better – and lean into it. This doesn’t mean you deny negative feelings – just pay more attention to the positive part of the truth. The classic measure of optimism, seeing the glass as half full rather than half empty, is the perfect example of leaning into the equally true but happier thought.
The next time you are stressed and sitting there thinking negative thoughts about how you cannot get everything done, you don’t deserve to be a mother, you are a lousy wife, etc. STOP. Search your mind for positive thoughts that are equally true – you can ask for help, your friends love you and will understand, your children love you and just want time with you, your husband loves you and probably doesn’t care of the laundry gets folded tonight or not.

4. Tend to Your Relationships
For women, relationships may be even more important than for men. Scientists have found that while both men and women release adrenaline and cortisol when under stress, only women release oxytocin. The more women engage in bonding activities, the more oxytocin they release producing a calming influence and further lowering stress. So the next time you’re upset or feeling stressed, don’t say you don’t have time for friends and family. That is precisely when you need them the most!

The best way to keep relationships happy, healthy, and supportive can be summed up in one word: appreciation. When we demonstrate our appreciation for the support we receive from others, it reinforces that behavior and deepens our connection to them. In turn, it helps them feel more connected to us.

5. Find Passion and Purpose
One day an old woman walked up to a building site where three men were laying bricks. She asked the first man what he was doing. “Can’t you see?” he replied. “I’m laying bricks. This is what I do all day – I just lay bricks.” She then asked the second man what he was doing. He replied, “I’m a bricklayer and I’m doing my work. I take pride in my craft, and I’m happy that what I do here feeds my family.” Walking up to the third man, she could see his eyes were full of joy. When she posed the same question, he replied with great enthusiasm, “Oh, I’m building the most beautiful cathedral in the whole world.”

Like the third bricklayer, a survivor will bring a sense of purpose to any activity. Bringing a sense of passion to mundane activities will boost your happiness, but so will taking time to find your true passions. Think about what activities most absorb you and analyze what it is about those activities that make you happy.

I am not saying that we should deny our feelings and choose to be happy regardless of the circumstances.  As a matter of fact, I have it on good authority that “there’s nothing wrong with bein’ grumpy, if that’s the way you’re feelin’ today.” (Grumpy Bear of The Care Bears).  “As long as you’re not hurtin’ anybody, keep on feelin’ that way.” But I am saying that we can take a stand and choose our daily attitude (and sometimes, the choice has to be made even more often than daily… or maybe that’s just me…) rather than letting others determine what our outlook will or won’t be.

5 Traits of Shiney, Happy People is a post from: Deliberate Legacies

The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm. -Swedish proverb

Asking for help is not one of my stronger character traits.  Call it stubborn.  Call it independent.  Whatever it is, I’ve got it in spades… usually.  Early in my life, I came to the conclusion that the only person I could depend on was me.  Everyone else had their own agenda, terms and conditions, fine print, or had no intentions whatsoever of holding up their end of the bargain.  And as much as I believed in God (and trust me, my belief in God is a key reason I managed to escape my circumstances mostly emotionally intact), I couldn’t see Him, couldn’t hear Him, and found that most of the time I acted and then gave Him status updates just so He felt He was in the loop.  (In my 30s, I began to learn that asking God’s wisdom and direction PRIOR to acting saved me a lot of head and heart ache later.)

The truth is that while I wanted to believe I was an island, I still looked to others for approval and validation.  We all need support from other people.  Love, encouragement, words of advice, and true friendship helped me get through the important stages of my life.  Now that I have good people in my corner, cheering me on and keeping me accountable, I feel like taking on any challenge. (Ok, maybe not always my initial reaction to every challenge, but I usually come around.  =)  )

As important as help is from others may be, though, it all had to start with me.  Those early childhood lessons had taught me that if I was waiting for someone else to solve my problems, or wondering when someone “was going to do something about that,” then I might – probably… certainly – would be waiting a long time – unless I looked to myself first (technically, that should read second… see earlier comment about seeking God’s wisdom prior to just taking action on my own).

Taking responsibility for my own situation and thinking (works better for me to actually write it all down) of what concrete steps I could take right then to help it was not only a way for me to overcome the situation, but it also helped me to not panic and make even more bad choices.  After all, if I was going to need help, then it was only fair that the person with the most at stake (me) be willing to make the most effort.

Lesson:  When someone is pulling you out of a hole and has grasped your hand, you still must take the first step to climb out, or you’re just going to be hanging there…

The Buck Starts and Stops Here – Taking Responsibility is a post from: Deliberate Legacies

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could…
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Confession:  I am a cookbook junkie.  I have 50+ cookbooks and whenever I am at a book store, Sam’s Club, or garage sale, I always linger over the cookbooks that are either on display or tucked away just waiting for me to find them.  My husband indulges me because he bets the odds which says that he will get to sample at least one recipe from the cookbook I purchase.

I love the “Fix-It and Forget-It” cookbook series which is all about slow cooker cooking.  I don’t use my slow cookers (I own 3) nearly enough, and don’t ask me why because I know how much easier it would make mealtimes especially during the week when I have daily work deadlines that coincide with meal prep time and recently the sun has been out more after being absent for most of our winter so both my husband and son are outside having a good ol’ time while I am juggling our newborn with the aforementioned daily work deadlines.  The slow cooker could be the answer to many a quick prayer said hurriedly while gazing blankly into the cupboards trying to decide what meatless dish I will fix for us since I didn’t set any meat out to dethaw earlier in the day.  I mean, Fix-It and Forget-It could save my mealtime sanity, if only I did actually fix it… well, I’m getting there… I at least know where the slow cookers and the cookbook are in my pantry which is more than I can say for the 16 bread loaf pans I own and couldn’t find a single one the other day for our meatloaf (a day I actually sat out meat to thaw!), but that’s another story.

The other reason I like the “Fix-It and Forget-It” series is purely for the name alone… close your eyes and say it with me – “Fix-It and Forget- It”.  I don’t know about you, but it’s sort of liberating for me to both say it and hear it.  There is something to be said for fixing something and forgetting about it.  Of course, I often say it but like remembering to set out meat prior to 5pm, the actual doing of it is another matter.  When I can fix it (whatever it might be), I tend to keep going back to it, trying to analyze how it got broken, what can be done to prevent it from happening again, etc.   And if the “it” that I am to fix is something me related (weight, personal growth, fruits of the spirit, etc.) then I tend to focus on all the times I mess up, fall short, or otherwise fail miserably.  I cannot tell you how many nights I have been laying in bed trying to go to sleep, but all I could do was run through the day’s events and worry about decisions I made or did not make.  Made for many a night of strange dreams, restlessness, and an overall general sense of grumpiness the next day.

Worrying about all the mistakes I made accomplishes absolutely nothing.  Worrying is not good for me – often times the only thing worry does “for” me is make  me physically sick.  Worry is the opposite of letting go, forgetting, or of trusting.  Worrying has me focusing on the problem and not the solution.

If only I could “fix it and forget it” when it comes to day to day things and stop obsessing, worrying, and second guessing myself and the intentions of others.  If only I could do my best each day and forget (at least not focus solely) on my worst, then I’d already have a head start on tomorrow.  So long as I give each day my best, lay it all out there every day, then I can relax when today has become a yesterday and is behind me.  Of course, I know that the only way this will happen is if I give myself permission to forget…to stop analyzing what I could have done better.  I need to be determined each day to always give my best and secure each night that if I did fall short in an area, that it’s not the end of the world and that I don’t have to evaluate the day’s good or bad-ness by that one action alone.

Pick up a problem, do what you can with it, and then put it down for a while.  Work your tail off at the office, then leave it there (the work, not your tail).  Deal with a personal crisis by finishing off one day at a time.  Believe it or not, there can be a great deal of satisfaction in leaving things be for a moment rather than wasting time worrying about them.

Matthew 6:27-29
Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. (NLT)

Proverbs 12:25
Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up. (NLT)

Giving It Your All is a post from: Deliberate Legacies